If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
