I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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