I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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