I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize