My cat gives me a boner
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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