There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The best revenge is premature balding
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
