the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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