I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
