please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
