Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
