Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
