Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
