You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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