apparently the secret to your success is patron
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
