True but thats because hes a fetus.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
