he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize