When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Randomize
