I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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