Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
