Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
