i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I need to calm my uterus...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize