yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My vagina is officially offended.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
