He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I believe in your delicious
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
