will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
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