I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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