This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We left an ass print on the piano.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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