Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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