It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
