Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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