I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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