My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize