Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
