sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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