a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
