Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
