I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
