I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
