I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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