i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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