i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
