he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize