i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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