Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
