he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
