they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Randomize
