I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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