I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
