Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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