I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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