you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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