I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
