I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
