Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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