This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
