why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
