i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
