well I can't set my house on fire every night
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
