im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
