Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I didn't notice because vodka
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
